I’m All Right, I’m Just Weary to My Bones

For the record, I don’t know how all of you with families do it all.

giphy

I’m over here trying to just work my 9-to-5, adjunct an online class on the side, and take a single class at night as a student… along with working out, and man, is time tight. And I don’t even have to cook meals for anyone or keep little humans alive. Just myself. Which, in reality, after having had something to care for the last 10 years (a little medically challenged dog… and later a live-in boyf) – feels like I should be able to do all of this AND have free time. It its times like these that I am ashamed to say that I am super jealous of all of the naturally thin ladies out there, who can take a break from working out and no one can tell the difference (nor do their doctors start telling them they’re unhealthy). Times like right now, if I knew that my body wouldn’t immediately put on weight the minute I stopped working out, I’d totally be letting that slide (just like the cleaning and cooking part of my life – LOL).  Sometimes I feel like superwoman, other times I feel like since I’m literally the only thing that I’m responsible for, that I’m a huge wimp and I should feel so much more energetic and have so much more time in my day than all of my lady friends who are doing so much more than me at home and in life – and somehow STILL making it work. The mental expectations we set up for ourselves sure are jerks, aren’t they?

 

Anyhow, my rant today (which totally went off track) really started because I recently upped my thyroid medication. I’ve been fighting with my slowly-dying thyroid for 15 years: I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid at 20 (Hashimoto’s) and have ever since slowly and steadily increased my dosage of medication. Even with that, my weight and fatigue are always a struggle. I’m at the highest weight I’ve been in quite a while right now, back over 200lbs. I don’t look all that different from 185/190, but I can tell. My pants still button, so there is that. Generally, most other people in my life haven’t noticed much. See that person down there? All of those pictures were taken in the last week, and honestly, they don’t look that different from ones in 2015 or ’14. But this is about me – and I know how I feel.

Sometimes, like my rant above, I get super frustrated that my body seems to always be fighting me (and the amount of hours in the day). Shouldn’t running 3 to 4 days a week, plus swimming, some yoga, and some biking (depending on the season) amount to more than me gaining weight? I swear, in my head I should look damn svelte. For the last few years, my thyroid will get out of whack, I’ll increase my dosage, have a really good year that year (race paces, weight, energy, etc) – THEN the following year, my levels will be slowly working their way back upward but not quite over the point that my Doc will change my meds. I know that I feel worse, but it isn’t bad enough to fix yet. So I wait out the year, and then my levels get to a point that my Doc will do something about it again. And thus the cycle goes round and round again. Along with emotional baggage of a hard year and a lot of changes, 2016 was a year of my thyroid levels slowly heading north until they were fixable: combine those two things, and here we are. A few weeks ago I started a new level of levothyroxine, and sadly, all I could think was that 2017 would be a better year already, no matter if any life-stuff that happened. Things would be easier, I’d feel a little more “up,” a little more energetic, a little lighter. All because of one little pill. Sad, isn’t it?

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magic.

In truth, my Type A personality makes me keep running, no matter what. Part of me is afraid I’ll lose the fitness level, the other part of me is afraid I’ll gain even more weight and move back up to size 16/18 pants and need a whole new wardrobe. Its only one size away, really. If I didn’t NEED to run to keep my weight from being a disaster, would I? Surprisingly, I have come to love running races and meeting new friends and feeling athletic and accomplished. Clearly, as someone who is seeking a Doctorate by choice, I like a challenge in many areas of my life – and racing still provides that, too. At this point, it has become a part of my identity that I am proud of. However, sometimes, like right now, when life is crazy… I wouldn’t mind being the kind of person who could just drop the exercise regimen and get a few hours back in the day with no consequences. Imagine… those hours back in the week… to cook, to bake, to leisure read.

mind-blown

 

 

Oh, and for the record, this weekend’s 6 miler… back to 12:20/mi pace (where it feels like I really SHOULD be!)… the ups and downs continue!

 

Would you keep working out if you didn’t “have” to in order to stay healthy (whatever that means for you)? What would you do with the extra hours in the day if you didn’t work out?

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13 thoughts on “I’m All Right, I’m Just Weary to My Bones

  1. You look great! I actually enjoy the “me” time I get when I work out… until the child calls me in the middle of a run and informs me that the cats are in a fight to the death and he can’t break them up and I have to come home to separate them then continue my run with scratches and puncture wounds everywhere 😆…

    Hang in there… I wish you had better luck with your meds.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha – too funny. Problem solver extraordinaire!! It’s strange – I used to find myself making lists and plans and whatnot on long runs, but I’m living alone again now after quite a few years of not – so I spend a lot of time in my own head ALL of the time, and I feel like I’m not enjoying the quiet as much while running like I used to. Guess I need to start instagram story-ing or something to get the words out. I’ll get through this weird patch! Just got in from a short, slow, run and all I could think was, DANG that was way more painful than it should’ve been!!! LOL.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG, I can relate to your feelings so much. I don’t have kids, I don’t have pets, I only have to work and take care of my husband and I, but I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with all the things I need to do in the day (and fitting in workouts!) and have no f***ing clue how other people (esp. the ones with kids) do it LOL but you know, it is a matter of perception and I am trying to work on that. (Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t).

    I wouldn’t mind a few extra hours during the day though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes I wondered if I’m the only one who feels that way, so thank you for letting me know I am not! It is sometimes rewarding (when I finish a half!) but so many other times, also defeating because I feel like I should be improving, but I am just not!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re an inspiration to me. Here I was blaming my thyroid for not been able to get past 5km most of the time, but you’re doing halfs. I know feel like it’s within me to get further, I just have to persevere.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Interestingly, I’ve found that running is the only exercise that even will keep my weight somewhere near even (most of the time) since my thyroid disorder started 15 years ago. So its sort of a “well, I need to do this even when it sucks” sort of thing – which is I suppose what keeps me going, too, to some extent. That, and I have come to like medals 😉 I definitely feel that struggle though – and often! Two steps forward ,one back!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Its a struggle, I can tell you that! Hormones can be a pain in the but but you have to tell your self that you are still fighting! That in it’s self is inspirational! Also, I can tell you this that certain frames like mine (I am only 5’2”), the slightest weight gain makes a big difference. I have to tell myself not to be jealous of the super thin ladies. I have muscle and my body type just isn’t like theirs. Keep it up! Keep moving on and being a fighter. Most people would have thrown in the towel but you have refused to.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This entire post could have come straight out of my own mouth! I don’t have kids and my two small dogs and 74 year old father that lives with me are fairly “easy” so my weekdays consist of work (6am-2:30pm), one hour of running/gym time, cook-eat-clean up dinner, shower, then maybe 30 minutes of tv or reading before I pass out! I am very much in the same boat of if I don’t run, my weight will immediately start creeping back up, it sucks!! That one hour of gym time is both dreaded but so necessary, both for my weight and sanity. Don’t get me wrong, I have come to enjoy running and do look forward to that one hour a day, but I too also feel like it should be easier and that I should be faster by now. But alas, like my weight, it fluctuates between the good and the bad. In just the last month, I have had to put a hold on working out and I have already gone up two pounds, that is just plain ridiculous. Kudos to you for continuing to push forward and not give up and for being so open about the struggles, and cheers to not being the only one to feel this way! Whew, and thanks for the vent session! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for commenting. It makes me feel a thousand times better to know that I am not the only one out there fighting this same fight 🙂 We got this… just gotta keep on pluggin, right?

      Like

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